There's too much that I want to do.
I suppose that's true for most of us; life is busy and the necessities take up most of the front seat for a lot of us. For me, though, it's a bit of a revelation. If you know me, or you're a regular reader of this blog, then you probably know that for the past three and a half years, I haven't even had time to think about what I wanted to do.
First my mother had heart surgery and then my daughter had a very rough time adjusting to the move, and then I went back to work full time for the first time since she was born (complete with 3+ hour round-trip commute) and then I ended up in the hospital and then I changed jobs and ditched the commute only to find myself working 90-100 hours/week...and in all that time, I didn't have the energy to want anything. Of course, in the moment, I didn't know that was just the fact that my mind and body were already stretched to the breaking point. And maybe it's just as well. Maybe, in fact, it's some kind of survival mechanism. Because while it was going on, I didn't feel like I was missing anything. There wasn't a book I was eager to read; I didn't wish that I had time to travel. Friends asked me to get together and I thought they must be crazy, thinking I'd have energy for something like that.
I should be asleep now--getting a full night's sleep is one of the perks of my new job. But I'm too busy to sleep. It isn't anything dramatic that's keeping me up...I didn't suddenly recall a passion for nightclubs or a desire to try rock climbing. It's the backlog of little things that I'm suddenly discovering a desire for: I'm exploring social networking sites, but I'm in the middle of an excellent book that I'm eager to get back to. I had a great chat online tonight with a dear friend from high school whom I haven't seen in years, but that took up the time I'd intended to use to return another friend's New Year's call. I want to finish editing my novel and send it out; I want to write a new one. I'd love to take the wonderful book I'm reading and head off for a long bath...but maybe a nice cup of black cherry tea and some writing? I have a long email to write; an article for my webzine that's going to require some research. I have friends in three directions I'd like to plan to see, and my grandson is growing like crazy without me along yet another road.
I'm reminded of college days when I sat up too late, reading and writing and talking. In those days, though, too little sleep was easily shaken off, or pushed aside with caffeine. I grew old while I was busy, and so sleep I must...but as I prepare to set the computer aside and lie down, my eye is on that book. Maybe just a few more pages...